


Losing My Mind

by sleepysweaters



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Crying, Fluff and Angst, Kisses, Loneliness, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mention Of Suicide Attempt, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-28 10:28:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11416014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepysweaters/pseuds/sleepysweaters
Summary: “I want you so, it’s like I’m losing my mind,” Evan sang before giving Connor a peck on the lips.  It was soft and warm, something Connor only associated with Evan.-Connor has a breakdown, and Evan comforts him.





	Losing My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if this sucks, first time writing as my children.

Connor was holding Evan, and it felt fake. Even though it wasn’t, it felt like a dream that he didn’t want to wake up from. So he took in the realistic aspect of everything going on around him. 

He felt the blonde breathing, and heard little snores coming out of his mouth. The warmth radiating from the two being under a blanket, and how the smaller boy stole the majority of the blankets. Evan was real, he was there with him.

The taller boy started crying, but he had no clue why. He knew that Evan was real, and that made him cry. Why was this beautiful boy holding himself back from the world because of Connor? Why was staying with a druggie?

The brunette knew he didn’t deserve the love that Evan was giving him, and he knew that the anxious boy would try to comfort him if he said anything. Connor didn’t need to hear the reminders of love from his boyfriend, because he knew that he would beat Evan over who loves the other most.

He knew he needed to get up, go to the bathroom so he didn’t wake up the smaller boy with his crying. So he unwrapped his arms from Evan, and started trying to get up only to be pulled back down.

“Baby, don’t leave,” Evan whined and Connor’s heart tore slightly. There was a beautiful boy in his bed who loved him, and he was still afraid of him not loving him.

“I need to go to the bathroom,” Connor whispered, and Evan slowly opened his eyes.

“Can I go with, I’m cold,” Evan asked, and the tall boy chuckled softly at his sleepy boyfriend. He got like this every time he woke up, just affectionate and childish in a way.

“No, just wrap up in the blankets.” There was softness in Connor’s voice that only came out around his boyfriend. The clingy teenager huffed before following the other’s instructions. “I’ll be back soon.”

The long haired boy went to the bathroom down the hall, and just started to breakdown. He fell to the ground before letting himself cry. The love he had for Evan was the love that he didn’t give himself. That’s why it was so hard on him.

He wanted to understand why Evan loved him, but he just couldn’t. He was the suicidal freak that had tried to kill himself three times, and never succeeded. Everyone called him a pothead and a school shooter, how did his precious boyfriend love him?

Connor knew everything he loved about Evan though, and was the first to tell him why he shouldn’t doubt himself. For his boyfriend’s smile was a light source, and his passion for trees was what could save the rain forests.

Whenever Evan doubted himself, it broke his boyfriend’s heart. The anxious boy was beautiful, especially when he woke up and gave Connor that sleepy smile that tugged at his heart every time it happened. Or how Evan’s hands would find their way to his boyfriend’s chest whenever they were cuddling.

Connor loved Evan, but he couldn’t keep holding the other boy back. He didn’t want to hurt the small boy, but he knew that the other would never break it off. Suddenly, he was sobbing because he knew that Evan was his safe place, and he was going away.

There was a knock on the door, and the brunette jumped out of surprise. This wasn’t meant to happen, no one was supposed to come in here at one in the morning. There was another knock.

“Connor, are you okay?” Evan asked through the door, and the other boy’s heart stopped for a second. His boyfriend was supposed to be asleep, not at the door. “Please open the door, baby.”

Connor slowly got up and unlocked the door. Evan opened the door to see his boyfriend sobbing. His expression dropped, and pulled the taller boy into a hug.

“Baby, what’s wrong? I’m here. I’m always here,” Evan whispered and the door closed so that the two were alone in the bathroom. 

“It’s nothing, it’s fine,” Connor choked out before his sobbing grew. Evan put them on the floor before brushing Connor’s hair. He knew that his helped his boyfriend calm down.

When they thought it was getting better, Connor’s brain told him that he didn’t deserve this. Telling him that no one could love him when couldn’t stand the person in the mirror. So he continued to cry.

“Please don’t cry. I can’t stand to see you cry,” Evan said as he braided his hair and put it in an elastic band. He was getting the hair out of the other’s face.

He moved in front of Connor, holding his boyfriend’s face in his hands. Connor couldn’t meet the other boy’s gaze, and the blonde pressed their foreheads together.

“The sun comes up, I think about you,” Evan sang softly, and Connor started to cry slightly more. He knew that Evan hated singing, since the blonde believed he couldn’t sing to save his life.

“The coffee cup, I think about you,” Connor sang back, his voice was hoarse and broken. Evan smiled at his boyfriend.

“I want you so, it’s like I’m losing my mind,” Evan sang before giving Connor a peck on the lips. It was soft and warm, something Connor only associated with Evan.

“I feel like this isn’t real, and I’m just holding you back,” Connor whispered and Evan started to cry. That’s when the brunette knew he had broken the other boy’s heart.

“Baby, don’t say that. Do you know how much I love you? Do you know how you’ve helped me get through so much in my life? You are my world,” Evan reassured him, and Connor put his head on the other’s shoulder.

“You can’t love me more than I love you.”

Evan stopped breathing. Connor could feel his boyfriend’s pulse speed up, and his body begin to shake. Oh no, this wasn’t supposed to happen.

“Connor, you can’t be serious. You are my universe, the only safe place I know. I steal your sweaters and sleep with them at night because I don’t feel safe without your scent surrounding me. When Zoe told me about the suicide attempt at the beginning of school, I sobbed for three days straight. Do not say that you love me more, because every single once of love I have is in you,” Evan snapped. 

He was sobbing, body moving with his ragged breathing. Connor worried about the boy, but he was terrified to speak. Evan never spoke that way to him. He might be the sappy one in the relationship, but words like that never came out of his mouth.

“When I tried to kill myself, it failed because I thought of you. I had 10 sleeping pills, and I only took 5 because I couldn’t stop thinking about the boy in my class. I pushed you, and I felt terrible. I then thought of you, and how you were apparently in love with my sister. It crushed me, but then I took it in the way of admiring her. I admire her, but not like I admire you,” Connor started, Evan was slowly calming down.

“How can you admire someone like me?” Evan asked, exasperated.

“For the way you smile whenever you feel at ease. Whenever you laugh at something, and how it’s soft but still present. Or how you speak easily around me, but not around others. How whenever you stay over, I smell you on my sheets and can sleep peacefully for once when you’re not by my side. I admire everything about you, and what you do to me.”

“You make my heart soar. I feel like I’m on cloud nine every time I’m around you. Your warmth is something I never realized people needed. I love how your hair frames your face, but then you let Zoe braid it randomly. I love you so much, but I know one day you’ll find someone who isn’t messed up,” Evan meekly said.

Connor kissed him, with softness and passion. Evan hooked his arms around the brunette’s neck, melting into the touch of the other boy. It wasn’t a make out session, but a moment where they could express their love without finding the right words to say.

Connor expressed his unconditional love, how it wouldn’t leave. It explained how much this meant to him, and how much he truly needed it like Evan did.  
Evan on the other hand was compassion and the sense of sturdiness. He wasn’t leaving, and this was real. His heart was for Connor, and nothing could prevent that.

After a moment, they parted and Evan smiled at the brunette. He stood up, pulling the taller one up with him.

“Let’s go back to bed. We’ll cuddle, and I can sing you to sleep if you want,” Evan suggested and the look on Connor’s face showed uncertainty. “I love you, Connor Murphy. I want to sing to you, and play with your hair. I want to make you squirm, and whine. Anything you do, innocent or perverted, I want to do it with you.”

“Okay,” Connor mumbled and Evan started walking towards the door when Connor grabbed the hoodie Evan was wearing. Evan turned to look at him, his eyes big and curious. “I love you so much, just know that this means the world to me.”

“I love you too, and it means the world to me as well.”


End file.
